How Things Work - No.1 - The Carburettor.

A load of posts that show you how to do various projects, step by step.
The Mighty Gusset

How Things Work - No.1 - The Carburettor.

Unread post by The Mighty Gusset » Fri Mar 20, 2009 10:58 pm

How Things Work - No.1 - The Carburettor.

In the beginning there were no such thing as carburettors, motorcyclists had to pour petrol into a shallow saucer, where it would simply spill into the engine and be burnt.
Unfortunately this imprecise system also meant petrol would spill elsewhere, such as the exhaust and the rider’s plus-fours.
As a result most early motorcyclists, and their machines, burned to death within 6-10 seconds.

While this was good for sales of new machines it was not so good for Life Insurance companies, so Lloyds of London invented A thing for keeping Motorcyclists Alive.
This AMAL was simply a bowl for keeping the petrol in, and a flap, similar to that found on a chicken coop, for controlling the pouring of petrol into the engine.
Obviously such a simple device could not possibly work on it’s own, so strange, arcane, magyck spells and rituals had to applied.
This involved poking the AMAL until it cried and shouting “Wurk Tha Booger !”.
Occasionally stronger magyck, including urinating on it, would be required.
Every week, really powerful magyck, known as ‘fettlin’ would be needed – this involved beating it with a large hammer and giving it a ‘Reet Good Sweerin At’.
Having been presented with the AMAL the British Motorcycle Industry congratulated itself on a good job done well and proceeded to do nothing whatsoever with it for the next 1000 years.
Motorcycles built during this period were invariably named after fat birds – hence Plover, Bantam, Turkey, and occasionally Ethel.

In due course the Japanese, having won the war, decided they wanted to win everything else, including Motorcycle Racing. Unfortunately they did not have Magyck, just something else called Monkey Magic which didn’t work properly with the AMAL.
Being ‘Inscrutable’, a funny word which means ‘Not Like Normal Folk’ the Japanese went away and invented some more funny words such as ‘Venturi’ ‘Nozzle’, ‘Air Corrector’, ‘Vapouriser’ and ‘Jet’.
They then made even funnier things that they gave these words to.
All of these funny things were stuck together to create the first ever Carburettor.
While, from a distance, and looked at through squinty eyes, this looked a bit like an AMAL, this was a Very Different device. Rather than using Magyck it relied instead on making the petrol swirl around and mix with air in a very precise and ‘scientific’ way, before squirting it into the engine in carefully metered quantities.
Motorcycling was revolutionised.
Instead of being named after fat birds, motorcycles made during this period were given a random series of letters and a number which related to the number of Miles per Hour it was capable of – hence CBX1000, FJ1200, Z1300 and Rocket3.
Unfortunately, due to it being invented by Inscrutable Japanese the workings of the carburettor cannot be understood by Normal Folk.

These days carburettors have been replaced by a much simpler system whereby petrol is simply squirted into the engine down one tube and air through a different one.
This is a Very Simple system which can be understood by any idiot – hence it’s name ‘Fool Injection’

Coming Soon: How Things Don’t Work – Electrickery.

Copyright TMG, June 2008.

User avatar
Hooli
Posts: 10183
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 11:52 pm
Location: Doncaster

Re: How Things Work - No.1 - The Carburettor.

Unread post by Hooli » Fri Mar 20, 2009 11:07 pm

i still love this post :lol: :lol:

The Mighty Gusset

Re: How Things Work - No.1 - The Carburettor.

Unread post by The Mighty Gusset » Sat Mar 21, 2009 1:31 am

Just think yourself lucky that I only share a tiny little portion of the stuff that lives in my head !
I have to live with the stuff in there 24/7 !

User avatar
Hooli
Posts: 10183
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 11:52 pm
Location: Doncaster

Re: How Things Work - No.1 - The Carburettor.

Unread post by Hooli » Sat Mar 21, 2009 2:11 am

still waiting for the electrickery one :lol:

User avatar
stogadog
Posts: 507
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 11:02 pm
Location: lancaster

Re: How Things Work - No.1 - The Carburettor.

Unread post by stogadog » Sun Mar 22, 2009 12:04 am

I've often wondered how those things work. Now i shall tell my friends and colleagues and pretend that it was my information all along. How clever I shall seem...

The Mighty Gusset

Re: How Things Work - No.1 - The Carburettor.

Unread post by The Mighty Gusset » Sun Mar 22, 2009 2:09 am

stogadog wrote:I've often wondered how those things work. Now i shall tell my friends and colleagues and pretend that it was my information all along. How clever I shall seem...


Or you could post it on other forums, and be lauded as a Genius !
Just wait for the Electrickery one !

Post Reply