How Things Work - No.2 - Electrickery

A load of posts that show you how to do various projects, step by step.
The Mighty Gusset

How Things Work - No.2 - Electrickery

Unread post by The Mighty Gusset » Wed Mar 25, 2009 2:13 pm

How Things Don’t Work – Electrickery – Part 1.

First I should advise you that what follows DOES NOT fully explain the Magyck of Electrickery.
As a fully paid up Grand Wyzyrd I am expressely forbidden from explaining all of our secrets.
In fact I’m pushing it by revealing the information that I am about to.
However, you’re only bikers, so you won’t understand anyway, and I’m hidden behind my Amulet of Anonymity.

Some of you may remember from your schooldays (assuming that some of you went to school) being told that Electrickery flows around a circuit from +ve to –ve.
You may even remember, from so-called Physics lessons, that this is a load of cobblers, and in actual fact Electrickery flows, in the form of ‘electrons’, from –ve to +ve, but that we stick with the +ve to –ve ‘convention’ in order to avoid confusion !
OBVIOUSLY this is a complete load of Fetid Dingo’s Kidneys !
When did ‘scientists’ EVER do things to avoid confusion ?
No my friends,this load of blatant obfuscation is designed to ensure that no matter how long you live, you will NEVER be 100% certain which way round to connect a diode !

What I am now about to tell you is VERY SECRET, and I really am going out on a limb here, but all that stuff about electrons is COMPLETE BOLLOCKS !
Mind you, you suspected as much anyway, didn’t you ?

To grasp basic understanding of how Electrickery actually works it’s necessary to understand it’s origins, in the early days of the Industrial revolution.
Basically, at this time, there were an awful lot of factories, burning stuff and pumping lots of smoke into the atmosphere, especially over T’Yorkshire.
And so a bunch of Very Clever T’Yorkshiremen got together and discussed how to solve the problem.
Now they could simply have built filters and cleaned up all the pollution, but being T’Yorkshiremen, they were convinced that with summat that was being produced in such vast quantities, there must be some ‘Brass’ in it somewhere, 'Tha Booger !'
Eventually they discovered that by pumping it at very high pressure, through very narrow copper tubes they could produce heat and light – Elecktrickery had been discovered !
From this initial discovery T’Yorkshiremen started finding all sorts of new uses for Electrickery and soon had to start building factories that produced nothing but smoke !
They also needed big warehouses to store all the smoke, and BIG pumps to distribute it throughout the growing network of tubes.
It was at this point, in order to protect their secrets, that they started the myth that the pumps were actually ‘generating’ the Electrickery and that all the coal they were burning was actually to drive the ‘generators’.

Electrickery and British Motorcycles

The invention of Electrickery was a boon to the early pioneers of the British motorcycle industry, especially once they discovered that you could produce it just as readily by burning oil instead coal.
The resulting machines were a revelation and a world leading industry was founded.
Obviously the secret of how the Electrickery was being produced had to be kept secret, so the little pumps fitted were also called ‘Generators’ and various feeble excuses were put forward to explain why British motorcycles had to burn so much oil.

In other countries they didn’t realise that they were being conned, and tried to build motorcycles that didn’t burn as much oil – obviously they also didn’t produce much electrickery either, and so didn’t work as well, hence the domination of the British industry.

Unfortunately, as in many spheres, once the British industry had come up with something that worked they didn’t bother to try and refine or improve it in any way, and so they never bothered to try and deal with the ‘storage’ of electrickery. British motorcycle ‘Batteries’ were little more than black rubber boxes filled with water.

Hence when your British motorcycle is moving slowly, or stationary, there isn’t enough electrickery to power the lights as well as keep the engine running, and obviously if your bike stops burning oil then it won’t run at all.

Once you understand how it works then diagnosing electrickal faults is obviously very simple – you just look for the place where the smoke has escaped, and replace it.

Sometimes this may not be immediately obvious, and it was to assist in diagnosis that the ‘fuse’ was invented.
Contrary to the popular myth, fuses are NOT there to protect the electrickal circuit at all, it is simply a diagnostic tool.
Fuses are designed to limit the flow of smoke into a circuit and are rated so that they will fail just AFTER the first escape of smoke.
At this point hopefully you will be able to find the defective part and replace it.
If not, then you must then replace the fuse with the next largest on available.
This will allow a greater flow of smoke into the circuit, which will of course escape out of the break – enabling you to identify the problem and replace the defective part.
In the event that you still can’t find the problem, then you simply carry on inserting bigger and bigger fuses until the defective part finally explodes.
Grand Wyzyrd’s have a tecknickal term for this, we call it ;
“Tuning For Maximum Smoke”

Some of you may have noticed that I have only spoken of ‘Generators’ and of Elecktrickery that flows from +ve to –ve (or vice-versa !) and have not mentioned ‘Alternators’ and ‘Alternating Current’.
That is because it is all NONSENSE.
There is simply no such thing, it is a silly parlour trick, that can be done by any apprentice grade Wyzyrd, involving smoke (obviously !) and mirrors.
If you don’t believe me about the mirrors, look at a diagram of a Bridge Rectifier !

Finally, I’m sorry, I’m not going to tell you which way the smoke really flows through a circuit – I have to keep some of our Guild’s secrets, and anyway, the Guild of Diode Manufacturers would lynch me !

Coming Soon : How Elecktrickery Works in Foreign Motorcycles

(As I’m sure you already suspect, this is Very Different !)

â“’ Copyright TMG March 2009.

User avatar
Posts: 10185
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 11:52 pm
Location: Doncaster

Re: How Things Work - No.2 - Electrickery

Unread post by Hooli » Wed Mar 25, 2009 5:57 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

can i just add that kits have been developed to help you replace the smoke when it escapes


The Mighty Gusset

Re: How Things Work - No.2 - Electrickery

Unread post by The Mighty Gusset » Wed Mar 25, 2009 6:12 pm

Note however that you should ONLY use that in BRITISH Electrickal systems.
I'll be going into more detail on the types of Elecktrickery used in the rest of the world in further episodes.

The Mighty Gusset

Re: How Things Work - No.2 - Electrickery

Unread post by The Mighty Gusset » Thu Mar 26, 2009 10:55 pm

Electrickery and Motorcycles From The Foreigns

1. Japan

The Japanese were, to a large extent, victims of their own cleverness, they looked at the Great British Motorcycles and quickly determined that they could easily make them bigger and better, and above all, they wouldn't burn oil !
When they finally discovered that was how the Elecktrickery was made, they very nearly gave up completely.

However, the Japanese are Very Clever, and also Inscrutable - a funny word that means 'Cannot Be Scluted', so they went back to the drawing board and invented a highly complicated method of producing vast quantities of highly concentrated smoke without burning anything at all.
This new form of energy is named after the fact that the smoke produced is completely invisible and odourless - It is called 'New Clear Power'
Being invisible and odourless obviously makes it Very Dangerous, if it leaks then you don't know about it until you suffocate to death, it is also very hot, and causes nasty burns and blistering to the skin.
For this reason Japanese electrickal systems are completely sealed, and any components that might possibly fail are encased in thick resin.
In the event of one of these components failing then it should be sent back to Japan, where it will be encased in Lead and Concrete and stored in a special facility for at least 1000 years.
This is why replacing any Japanese Electrickal component typically costs £8000
'Pattern' replacement parts are however available for Japanese Electrickal systems for as little as £2500, that's because the manufacturers do not bother with the expensive encasement and storage of these New Clear devices.
They simply bury them in landfill sites in Cumbria, or chuck them in the Irish Sea.

Obviously, because they are very good, and produce vast amounts of very high quality Electrickery, there is a temptation to fit these parts to British motorcycles.
This should NEVER be attempted, it invariably results in DEATH.

2. Russia and the Eastern Bloc

The clever citizens of the former Soviet Union and it's satellite countries very quickly discovered that the secret of Electrickery was in the smoke, and very quickly set about making as much smoke as they possibly could, and patented a way of making it far thicker, and far blacker than even the people of T'Yorkshire could manage.
Their attempts were so successful that they even managed to put a man into space, and built the world's first coal powered Space Station.
For motorcycle engines they even invented a way of producing extra smoke to power the electrickal systems of very small motorcycles, something that the British motorcycle industry had never really had much success with.
This new system allowed the engine to burn extra oil in the engine, effectively producing twice as much smoke.
Hence it's name - the Two-Smoke Engine.
This engine was such a success that it was quickly stolen by the British manufacturers, not with as much success however, as British smoke is not as thick as Russian smoke, so doesn't produce as much electrickery.

It is possible to swap Russian and British electrickal parts around, however you must bear in mind the thickness of the smoke. British parts on Russian bikes may quickly become clogged and explode, Russian parts on British motorcycles may not get enough smoke to work effectively.

3. India

India does not make any motorcycles of it's own.
It does however produce some very good quality smoke, almost as good as smoke from T'Yorkshire, in fact smoke from India even has that slightly odd 'curry' odour that is so identifiable with the major cities of T'Yorkshire.
For this reason a lot of former British motorcycle companies now produce bikes in India.
Almost any part fitted to an Indian built motorcycle is completely interchangeable with a part from a British motorcycle

4. The USA

In the USA, or ‘You Sa !’ as it is known, it is, for various tribal, cultural and religious reasons, completely illegal to produce smoke unless you are :
a) Sending a message to a friend
b) Barbecque'ing a whole Buffalo
c) Bombing the crap out of a former allied country

For this reason all engines produced in the USA have to be absolutely enormous in order for the feebly small amounts of smoke available to produce any electrickery at all.
Hence the USA does not make any motorcycles.
various people over the years have tried to put smaller lorry engines into motorcycle frames, but these have never been successful, and you are unlikely to ever see one, and if you do, it will certainly be in the form of a static display.

5. Italy

Nobody is quite sure how Italian electrickery works.
It seems to involve spaghetti.
However it does work very well indeed, as the Italians actually manufacture the fastest motorcycles in the world.
In the event that the electrickal system on your Italian bike fails you will need to find an Italian Wyzyrd.
Even then it will take him at least 7 years to diagnose and fix the problem.

6. Germany

I do not intend to discuss how the Germans produce Electrickery.
Frankly it is rather distasteful, and not a suitable subject for a public forum.
It involves Gas.

I hope you have found these articles useful, and that they will assist you in keeping your motorcycles filled with the right sort of electrickery.

â“’ Copyright TMG March 2009.

User avatar
Posts: 10185
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 11:52 pm
Location: Doncaster

Re: How Things Work - No.2 - Electrickery

Unread post by Hooli » Thu Mar 26, 2009 10:59 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: i didnt think you could improve on the first on, but that is genius!

The Mighty Gusset

Re: How Things Work - No.2 - Electrickery

Unread post by The Mighty Gusset » Thu Mar 26, 2009 11:04 pm

Of course it's genius !
I don't make this shit up you know !

What I'd really like is to meet the comedian who came up with all this cobblers !" target="_blank

The chapter on Zener Diodes is especially good :" target="_blank

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha + Roflcopters !
Classic Comedy - us Wyzyrds split our sides laughing at stuff like that !

Posts: 5785
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2009 12:53 am

Re: How Things Work - No.2 - Electrickery

Unread post by scotduke » Fri Mar 27, 2009 1:41 pm

I think I understand it now. If I'd known this I'd have been able to fix the wiring on my old Triumph. A good solution would've been to put the engine on my parent's coal fire, pack it round with kindling, pile on some coal and set the thing alight. That'd push as much smoke into the engine as possible and make sure it was a good 'un, rather than the leaky, feeble and wheezing effort it was.

User avatar
Posts: 10185
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 11:52 pm
Location: Doncaster

Re: How Things Work - No.2 - Electrickery

Unread post by Hooli » Fri Mar 27, 2009 3:57 pm

i've just realised, stroppy died of an electrical overdose because of the new battery, she had smoke pouring out the sides. must have to much electrical pressure & blown the seals.

The Mighty Gusset

Re: How Things Work - No.2 - Electrickery

Unread post by The Mighty Gusset » Fri Mar 27, 2009 5:05 pm

You didn't fit a Japanese battery did you ?

User avatar
Posts: 10185
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 11:52 pm
Location: Doncaster

Re: How Things Work - No.2 - Electrickery

Unread post by Hooli » Fri Mar 27, 2009 5:09 pm

ooops :oops: i did get a converter cable from currys

Post Reply