Joke for today

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mervin
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Re: Joke for today

Unread postby mervin » Sat Aug 05, 2017 12:00 am

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch.
One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop.
Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like bat out of hell.

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A kangaroo at the Sydney zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.

Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.

He was out again the next morning.

A twenty-foot fence was put up.

Again he go out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,

"How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night!"
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Hooli
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Re: Joke for today

Unread postby Hooli » Thu Aug 10, 2017 8:56 pm

How do you work out how heavy a hot chilli pepper is?

give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Classics ain't built in Metric

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Hooli
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Re: Joke for today

Unread postby Hooli » Tue Aug 15, 2017 11:08 pm

What's the difference between a lentil & a chickpea?


No one will pay for a lentil on their face.
Classics ain't built in Metric

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mervin
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Re: Joke for today

Unread postby mervin » Fri Aug 18, 2017 10:41 pm

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it." The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you." The salesman was delighted.
They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough,the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a Mother!!!"
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Hooli
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Re: Joke for today

Unread postby Hooli » Fri Aug 18, 2017 11:21 pm

:lol: :lol: :shock:
Classics ain't built in Metric

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Hooli
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Re: Joke for today

Unread postby Hooli » Sat Aug 19, 2017 9:46 am

This might be handy for indecisive readers.

Buy a bike flowchart.jpg
Classics ain't built in Metric

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Hooli
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Re: Joke for today

Unread postby Hooli » Sat Aug 26, 2017 10:46 am

Man driving through Wales sees a stall at the side of the road.

Cartots
Potatoes
Leeks
Aspirin
Onions

He thinks this is a bit curious, so he pulls over and talks to the man at the stall.

"I get the carrots, potatoes, leeks and onions, but why Aspirin?“

The man replied.." Well, I'm a farmer-see"
Classics ain't built in Metric

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mervin
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Re: Joke for today

Unread postby mervin » Mon Aug 28, 2017 1:12 am

Typical Military Humour
After being severely wounded in Afganistan and evacuated to the USA, a Marine Lance Corporal finally regained consciousness in Bethesda Naval Hospital.
He was in a lot of pain and found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only an infantryman but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down.” Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?”
And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.
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mervin
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Re: Joke for today

Unread postby mervin » Wed Aug 30, 2017 10:41 pm

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch..'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R..
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
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A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.
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Hooli
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Re: Joke for today

Unread postby Hooli » Wed Sep 06, 2017 11:13 pm

Mentally Challenged.png
Classics ain't built in Metric


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