Joke for today

Talk about anything that doesn't relate to other sections here. Play nicely :)

Willpower
Posts: 679
Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:56 pm
Location: St. Annes on Sea

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Willpower » Sat May 07, 2016 4:27 pm

Not very PC, but still funny.

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” "Blow that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

User avatar
Hooli
Posts: 10185
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 11:52 pm
Location: Doncaster

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Hooli » Mon Aug 15, 2016 2:12 pm

RIP boiled water. You will be mist
Classics ain't built in Metric

User avatar
mervin
Posts: 2845
Joined: Mon Apr 27, 2009 1:06 pm
Location: the dark side of dartmoor

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by mervin » Mon Sep 26, 2016 8:49 pm

Scottish Brothel.
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good- looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir ?" she asked..
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man -she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts.. the price was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The man replied, " Edinburgh .."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain------
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
classic japbikefest 2 http://www.vjmc.com/japbikefest/

User avatar
Hooli
Posts: 10185
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 11:52 pm
Location: Doncaster

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Hooli » Mon Sep 26, 2016 10:31 pm

Laugh
Classics ain't built in Metric

User avatar
mervin
Posts: 2845
Joined: Mon Apr 27, 2009 1:06 pm
Location: the dark side of dartmoor

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by mervin » Sun Jul 02, 2017 12:20 am

The price of pies.

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can get two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.
Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean....
classic japbikefest 2 http://www.vjmc.com/japbikefest/

User avatar
mervin
Posts: 2845
Joined: Mon Apr 27, 2009 1:06 pm
Location: the dark side of dartmoor

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by mervin » Wed Jul 12, 2017 11:36 pm

Swampy has died of a heart attack, apparently they could have saved him but he refused a bypass
classic japbikefest 2 http://www.vjmc.com/japbikefest/

User avatar
Hooli
Posts: 10185
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 11:52 pm
Location: Doncaster

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Hooli » Sat Jul 15, 2017 4:49 pm

:lol:
Classics ain't built in Metric

User avatar
Hooli
Posts: 10185
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 11:52 pm
Location: Doncaster

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Hooli » Thu Jul 27, 2017 8:14 pm

"My dog's learning to speak a foreign language."
"Español?"
"No, he's a labrador."
Classics ain't built in Metric

User avatar
mervin
Posts: 2845
Joined: Mon Apr 27, 2009 1:06 pm
Location: the dark side of dartmoor

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by mervin » Thu Aug 03, 2017 5:48 pm

:D :D :D :D

theres a new sex position called the Parcelforce , you stay in all day anb no one comes
classic japbikefest 2 http://www.vjmc.com/japbikefest/

User avatar
Hooli
Posts: 10185
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 11:52 pm
Location: Doncaster

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Hooli » Thu Aug 03, 2017 8:50 pm

>groan<
Classics ain't built in Metric

Post Reply