Joke for today

Talk about anything that doesn't relate to other sections here. Play nicely :)

Willpower
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Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Willpower » Thu Jul 02, 2015 2:08 pm

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor which in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-by.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

13. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

14. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room , shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

Willpower
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Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:56 pm
Location: St. Annes on Sea

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Willpower » Sat Jul 04, 2015 8:27 am

Today's riddle for seniors.

Here is the situation:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop-off.

On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation ?












Get your drunken arse off the merry-go-round and go home!

Willpower
Posts: 679
Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:56 pm
Location: St. Annes on Sea

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Willpower » Sun Jul 05, 2015 6:48 am

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off !

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Hooli
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Location: Doncaster

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Hooli » Sun Jul 05, 2015 9:23 pm

:lol: :lol:

I like some of them :)
Classics ain't built in Metric

Willpower
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Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:56 pm
Location: St. Annes on Sea

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Willpower » Mon Jul 06, 2015 8:16 pm

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a
barber on the premises. 'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00 and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures $20.00. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents'. The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

Frankfurt-Beesa
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Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2009 6:15 am
Location: Playa del Carmen, Mexico

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Frankfurt-Beesa » Sat Jul 11, 2015 5:52 pm

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an
obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to...

a tractor".

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mervin
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Joined: Mon Apr 27, 2009 1:06 pm
Location: the dark side of dartmoor

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by mervin » Sat Jul 11, 2015 6:51 pm

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
classic japbikefest 2 http://www.vjmc.com/japbikefest/

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Hooli
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Location: Doncaster

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Hooli » Mon Jul 13, 2015 1:38 pm

Have you heard about the new satellite tv service provider that call themselves "I can't believe it's not sky"?
Their tag line is "Believe in butter."
Classics ain't built in Metric

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Hooli
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Location: Doncaster

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Hooli » Tue Jul 14, 2015 1:50 pm

I was called back, two days after handing in my job application to join the police force.
"We're impressed, Mr Parker, but there's an omission on your application," the sergeant interviewing me said. "You haven't answered question fourteen, what steps to take if you witness a fellow officer abusing a minority prisoner."
"Oh," I said. "I'm sorry, I didn't see it."
"Great, can you start Monday!!.
Classics ain't built in Metric

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mervin
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Re: Joke for today

Unread post by mervin » Thu Jul 23, 2015 11:33 pm

Image
classic japbikefest 2 http://www.vjmc.com/japbikefest/

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