Joke for today

Talk about anything that doesn't relate to other sections here. Play nicely :)

Willpower
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Location: St. Annes on Sea

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Willpower » Fri Nov 27, 2015 2:42 pm

Dr. Geezer's

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic He put a sign up outside that said:

"Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr.Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Willpower
Posts: 679
Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:56 pm
Location: St. Annes on Sea

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Willpower » Tue Dec 01, 2015 10:30 am

SOME TEE SHIRT SLOGANS RECENTLY SEEN IN ADS

Fishmore & Dolittle Retirement Specialists

Mind of an Athlete, Body of a Genius

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person

RETIRED - Goodbye Tension, Hello Pension

To save time let's just assume that I know everything

My wife says that I never listen to her, or something like that!

Cleverly disguised as an ADULT

Aged to perfection

Young at heart, old in other places

Only left handed people are in their right minds

Just another sexy bald bloke

At my age I've heard it all, I've seen it all, I've done it all. I just can't remember it all

Growing OLD is compulsory - Growing up is optional

I never finish anythi

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep in

If you met my family you'd understand

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out I'll drink the red

Willpower
Posts: 679
Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:56 pm
Location: St. Annes on Sea

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Willpower » Thu Dec 03, 2015 9:57 am

Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first. “What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out, "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries.”
David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks: “What will England be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout but he just stares at it.
Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”
David replies, “Buggered if I know! It's not in English!”

Willpower
Posts: 679
Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:56 pm
Location: St. Annes on Sea

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Willpower » Thu Dec 17, 2015 10:07 am

A couple were in a busy shopping centre just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said " You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace.
I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you "
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up; "yes, I do remember that shop" she replied.
"Well I’m in the pub next to that."

Willpower
Posts: 679
Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:56 pm
Location: St. Annes on Sea

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Willpower » Mon Dec 21, 2015 8:48 pm

Great Timeless Truths

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a government. John Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else. Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when government does it. Anonymous

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. Ronald Reagan

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. Thomas Jefferson

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. Aesop

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! P.J. O'Rourke

Willpower
Posts: 679
Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:56 pm
Location: St. Annes on Sea

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Willpower » Sun Jan 24, 2016 1:57 pm

Copper was on patrol when he thought he heard a gunshot,so went to the house to investigate....he found a woman had shot her husband because he walked on the kitchen floor just after she`d mopped it ! The copper rang the station to tell them what had happened,and the sergeant asked if he`d arrested the woman ? "Not yet" said the copper,"the floor`s still wet" !!!!

Willpower
Posts: 679
Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:56 pm
Location: St. Annes on Sea

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Willpower » Sun Mar 20, 2016 9:23 am

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage, created by a soft, silky, pushup bra, and, pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting it drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."

Willpower
Posts: 679
Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:56 pm
Location: St. Annes on Sea

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Willpower » Mon Mar 21, 2016 9:32 am

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.
There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . .. . ... ..........

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

Willpower
Posts: 679
Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:56 pm
Location: St. Annes on Sea

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Willpower » Sat Mar 26, 2016 9:04 am

During a medical examination of a female patient, the British doctor says, "Your heart, lungs pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble".
The lady starts taking off her undies, but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No no, just stick out you tongue!"

Willpower
Posts: 679
Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 2:56 pm
Location: St. Annes on Sea

Re: Joke for today

Unread post by Willpower » Sat Apr 30, 2016 5:35 pm

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun, she's probably angry.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have grey hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees*

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree... that makes it a plant which means... chocolate is Salad!

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