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Re: Joke for today

Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2017 10:47 pm
by johnr
elvis presley is climbing out of his swimming pool for the 20th time that day. priscilla looks at him confused and asks him what is wrong with him. elvis replied, 'i just cant help falling in love,,,,,,,,'

Re: Joke for today

Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2017 10:50 pm
by Hooli
FFS, groan!

Re: Joke for today

Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2017 11:34 pm
by Hooli
I said to the lass already at the bus stop 'when's it due?'

She replied 'I'm not pregnant you cheeky shit'

I said 'I meant the bus you stupid fat bitch'

Re: Joke for today

Posted: Fri Feb 16, 2018 10:25 pm
by mervin
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Wasp Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Wasp Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."The expert throws off the headphones and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. ---------------------:
It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

Re: Joke for today

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2018 10:09 pm
by mervin
Back in the 1960's, this bloke, called Fred, kept fish. He bred them, he absolutely adored them, and they, him. Not just any kind of fish, these were Koi. These were Koi and they were big. He had hundreds of them.

Now one day Fred had to go to the doctors, and got the bad news that the English climate, and more especially the smog, was killing him. The good doctor suggested that Fred go on a world cruise and get all the crud out of his lungs.

Now, there was no way Fred would leave his prize fish to be looked after by anybody else, no way on the planet. So, he decided he would take them with him - all of them, because he had no favourites, he loved them all equally.

Well, luckily, Fred wasn't short of a bob or two - more like several million, so he hit on an idea. There was a boatbuilder local to him, so Fred made a rough sketch and showed it the aforementioned boat builder. George, the constructor of large, wooden sea vessels looked at Fred with knitted eyebrows and suspicious eyes, until Fred pulled a vast [bit of a sailor's joke there :] ] amount of green and folding from his pocket and slapped it on the table.

George's eyes lit up and yes, he would build a ship for Fred, yes, he knew it had to carry hundreds of fish and keep them alive and yes, he would build it with several decks. A bit of an oddity, but George was up for it - and the huge wedge of money certainly helped.

The only problem was it was going to take around six months to build, but Fred would have to wait, coughing and hoping his lungs would last that long - and, of course they did. Came the day and the ship was ready, all the fish were loaded into their tanks on decks 1 - 5,

Fred was ready to slide off down the slipway for the boat's maiden voyage. Firstly though, he had to wait for the local dignitary to see him off. The Mayor stood there proudly and swung the champagne bottle to smash against the boat's prow. I name this ship [he said] the Moistened Bint, the world's first ever Multi-storey Carp Ark

Re: Joke for today

Posted: Sat Aug 11, 2018 3:55 pm
by mervin
A guy walks into a chip shop with a cod under his arm. “Here, do you sell Fish Cakes?”, chip shop guy says “sorry No”. “Shame that, it was his birthday today”.